Middle of nowhere
I was supposed to be confirmed in late August. My direct report, as he puts it - "couldn't bring myself to confirm you" and so he extended my probation yet another month. In the next one month, he hollered and insulted me. He made me felt very little, very stupid and very very unsuitable for the role.
And so end September came quickly. During the one month, I tried. Very hard. I worked like a crazed bunny, researching, writing, cross-checking, research some more and write even more. The time for my confirmation came around one more time. He called me in, sat me down and told me the same thing again.
"I cannot bring myself to confirm you, because you lack business sense, your reports have errors. I will extend it one more month because I am not a hard-hearted person. When I see my staff, I judge by 3 areas. Attitude, Performance and Suitability. Only your attitude is saving you, your performance and suitability is very under par."
I have no idea what to say. If I was that bad, please ask me to leave. If I wasn't that bad and that according to him "I love your attitude, it's very good. You never give up.", then confirm me and give me time to grow.
Don't fucking leave me in the middle of nowhere.
We had a "thrash-out" session that evening. He spoke of what he was unsatisfied about my work. "I tolerate no errors except judgmental ones" he said. "And there is always something that is wrong in your report, be it a wrong number for the section or grammatical mistakes." I told him I've tried my best to cross-check in the tight time period I was given for each paper, and please understand that there are times I would miss out a mistake or two. He said no, he tolerates no mistakes except judgmental ones. The conversation went on about me lacking business sense because there was once I calculated the taxes wrongly and I didn't realize. He referenced my very first research assignment for him in my first week and cited that my research skills lacked breadth and depth.
Basically by the end of it, I felt like out of the 4 months I am here, nothing I did was right/satisfactory/up-to-mark. To which he ended the session with a bunch of expectations (yes I have no say over it) and a "don't get me wrong, i appreciate your hard work and help in the papers. They are very useful".
Don't ask me what's happening because I have no idea.
I stayed in office till late that evening - trying to wrap up as much work as possible while trying to digest the fact that my probation has been extended again. NEVER in my life (3 years of part-timing in university and 2.5 years of real corporate life) have I ever let any of my superiors put down this way. Each and every senior person I've worked with is still willing to write me a recommendation. They loved me. Except for this one. I'm not saying I'm so darn good. But surely I'm not that bad.
Until I was positive there was no one left in the office, I cried. I cried very hard. From exhaustion, from disappointment, from being absolutely helpless about my situation. I called the BF and cried. He didn't know how to console me because he couldn't tell me to work harder. He knows how hard I work. He couldn't tell me to quit because he knows I love the job.
Headed home and cried some more. For the next 2 hours, my mum didn't know what to do with me. She sat quietly and patted my back every now and then. I wept through dinner and shower. Sat down on the kitchen floor and wept some more. I was inconsolable. Nothing anyone said made me better.
My sister told me I should quit - because I don't look happy anymore. I look terrible every morning. I couldn't agree more. Because I feel like I'm heading to judgement ground every day.
The next day i plucked up some courage to speak to seniors from other departments. All of them agree my superior was being difficult and that his expectations are too high. Unfortunately, I am the only junior staff under him and there was very little they could help.
I spoke to a very close senior and asked her if I should quit the entire industry. She asked why? I said "because..", and I paused. "He makes you feel like you are very bad at it?" she continued. I nodded. She told me to look out for other similar roles lest he doesn't confirm me at the end of October.
I've been approached by a headhunter and a HR of another huge company with interest of similar roles. I am lost because I love my current job due to its depth and breadth of opportunities. Yet at the same time, I don't know how long I can last under this boss. There is so much emotional strain and pressure it disrupts my sleep, my relationships (you should see how I erupt into spurts of anger because I was so stressed inside) and my self confidence.
I'll have to try my best this month and be it if I'm confirmed or not, at least I know I've given my very very best.
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Hugs girlie *big hug*
ReplyDelete- Lina
That sounds absoutely disgusting. He sounds terrible.
ReplyDelete- Bro
I think you need to bolt soon. but meanwhile fight on!
ReplyDeleteBut first, stay low like I told you to :)
Matt
Maybe you can try to hang on first until a really good one comes by.
ReplyDeleteDon't leave just because something is not satisfying or not pleasant right now.
(May)
Thanks everyone for the support!
ReplyDeleteWhatever, will (I think I already am!) try my best! Some things are so beyond my control :)))
I think if an opportunity comes by- take it! Bosses are meant to be empowering - his unkind words are like inner 'monsters' that may be harmful in the long run. Cheers. Life is like a marathon, you might face walls half way through, but you need to keep persvering ( its not the speed but the pace) strive on and it will get better - eventually you will reach the finishing line. Give me a call if you need a listening ear! :)
ReplyDeleteThank you so much Claressa! Yeah am actively looking out too :)) I will keep your offer in mind :))
ReplyDeleteWe need to lunch soon! :)))))