So the story is
In a way I should have saw it coming when we dropped contact after a huge fallout about 2 months ago. We texted sporadically before he flew to Chicago for a training session at his new role, and pretty much no contact when he was there. We met up a few days after he returned and when he asked what is the status of our relationship now, I had no answer. I was caught between trying again and letting him go. He made the choice for us - he called it off. He wanted someone inbetween his ex-gf and me - someone more independent than her, but softer than me. Someone who would smother and coax him, someone who made him feel more important than I did.
"You weren't as meek as I thought you were." he said.
I did admit, I wasn't your regular girl. I don't require company for shopping/chilling/reading/whatever. Heck, there are times I find my own solutions for work-related problems. I'm perfectly fine if you need to work the weekend, I will find my own pastime. I'm sorry those gestures made him felt that he wasn't important. I don't like clinging onto issues, so I roll over unhappy stuff before the sun rises the next day. Unfortunately, it's the very thing that irks him the most. That I lack introspective-ness over issues and how quickly I can laugh and joke about things just hours after a quarrel. That I "conveniently" forget incidents so I don't have to responsible for it.
"It would have been better if both of us are like that. But I'm not. I don't let go and I can't." was what he said. My reset button has always been one of my favourite character features. Sadly, it became the very reason why my relationship broke down eventually. I wasn't soft enough, wasn't understanding enough. I didn't need him enough. Basically, nothing I did was enough. He felt shortchanged in this relationship and he disliked the double standard that he was doing more. All in all, he thinks I have done too little and he has given too much.
To which, I raised the point is there true equality in a relationship? Is this a balance sheet that will eventually balance out? Do we start counting the hours we put in or the number of sweet nothings we say? Or do we measure it by how many times one of us wakes up to feed the baby? What about in incidents of illnesses? Are we going to start counting the number of times you hold up my hair while I puke? Or are we going to start counting the number of times I slap your back to help you cough?
I certainly does not love the way he does - he shows it through being meticulous, his endless naggings and a memory of an elephant that has everything to do with you. I, on the other hand, am loud, loses my things all the time and pretty much forgot our anniversary date. But I've loved through concern (overly sometimes when it came to mealtimes and exercises), through care (unsolicited advice on nonsensical things in life), through sweet nothings. Albeit with a pinch of impatience every now and then. But it doesn't make me love someone less.
"I want someone who understands the kind of love I want. I want someone to understand me, to coax me when I need it." he said.
After 6 months of trying to iron out our differences, I guess the old saying holds true. Sometimes you just can't force things. We ended up unhappy and generally tired of each other's attempt to transform. Eventually, we became tired of the relationship. He wants someone who is softer, sweeter and more understanding, maybe a girl who has her world revolved around him. Someone who remembers all the big and small occasions in the relationship, someone who would coax and smother him when he feels unimportant and down. Maybe I needed someone older, someone who knows what he wants in life and most importantly, someone who loves my forwardness and passionate attitude for life as much as I do. It's a character trait I tried to shed for him but didn't work out well. It's a part of me that I cannot bear to leave behind for the relationship. I guess I can never be the submissive and soft girl he wanted. It's akin to me trying to tell him a man should be tougher and hardier, more optimistic and forgiving. But I guess that doesn't suit him either.
In a quest to change each other, I guess we all forgot the very first reason why we fell in love in the first place. Or maybe, we never really knew each other well before we committed to this relationship. Don't get me wrong, he's still the nice guy I know him to be. Hopefully, I'm still the same interesting girl he once thought I was. Just that unfortunately, we made a very bad fit together.
While I saw it coming, it doesn't diminish the pain of a lost love. At the end of the day, it had been a friendship and relationship with someone you once saw as a lifetime partner. Someone who you thought could share the love you have for yourself, and someone who wants to share his love for himself with you. It also hurt the most that the person you spent the most time with, actually doesn't really love the real you. He just loved the version that he had envisioned you to be. He is in fact..just tolerating the real you. I guess that hurt the most.
I'm immensely grateful that it was an amicable split and we went our separate ways with no malicious words and hard feelings. I wish I could write more but I can't bring myself to write too much about it either. Maybe one day all this will make sense, just like every other thing in life. Maybe all this will be for the best.
To all my friends out there who have been there for me these 2 months, and especially so the last one week. Thank you very much :) I love all of you lah :)
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Oh sweetie :( Sorry to hear that. It will pass okay? *hugz*
ReplyDelete-Lynn
Hey.. It will all work out fine. Just like everything else =)
ReplyDelete-Anon
Stay strong woman! Why never tell us... We all meet up and have a nice chill-out session.
ReplyDelete- LZ
It will always get better =)
ReplyDelete- Eraz
nvm la I will sacrifice my cold dish. hope u find someone better to be my bro in law. if not I will punch his face..
ReplyDeleteHAHAHAHA!! Punch his face! Hahaha :) Thanks Juju :)
DeleteAwww you guys/girls are the sweetest =)
ReplyDelete