My fear of standing out
"I realise u haf a fear of being different from other pple."
I paused and tink thru. Yah..tt's quite true. I rather blend in as the background then stand out like a sore thumb.
I dunno how that happen but I did some thinking these few days and I realised it was probably my growing up experience that made me lidat.
I wasn't like this when I was young. i yearned to be different when I was young. I yearned to be the outstanding one so I can be treated differently form other childen. So what happened? Let's do a breakdown of events:
Event #1:
I noe I dun look vv chinese. Prior to entering kindegarden, I was proud of the fact i dun look vv chinese. Becoz babysitters will go :"Awww..look at her! she's so different!". I remember my mum told me of an incident before. When I was 1.5 yrs old that yr, my paternal grandpa passed away and some priests came over my hse to do some rituals.
My mum told me when one of the priest saw me (er..according to my mum, i was crawling ard the floor reading newspaper..ok..mayb just staring..hahaha..), he asked my mum whose child is tt? My mum stared at me, and said :"oh..tt's my youngest child". What the priest said still puzzles my mum now. He said :"that child...is very special. she is very different from others"..hahhaha..of well...mayb "especially stupid" or smth ba..hahahaha
Oh ya..back to Event #1. My not vv chinese looks. prior to entering school, i prided myself on tt. But after entering school, i hated my face.
I was enrolled in a chinese school. Maha Bodhi Kindegarden. and that was when I started my first experience of not enjoying being the one standing out.
"Hey! You not chinese why you in tis sch?"
"You sure ur parents are ur REAL parents? ur parents chinese leh!"
"u from rubbish bin rite?"
I always hear tis in sch and kids used to shun me when i was in kindegarden. They dun understand why I m in the chinese school.
And that was the first time. I hated being different from other pple. I started to hate going to school. I hide under the table every morning, refusin to go to sch and every morning, i will hafta endure the caning of my mum for refusing to go to sch. It just increased the hatred of how non-chinese i look.
I wanna blend in so much.
Eventt #2
I was a very fast learner when I was young. In kindegarden, there's a rule tt says only when u finish ur work, then u go to the playrm to play.
I was always the first to finish. So I was always the first to play. No one to play with. Just myself. When everyone else start coming in, I had bored myself with the toys.
Gradually, the kids ceased to play with me. For I do not noe how to mingle ard with them. I recall my kindegrden days, were mostly I step out of class alone to the playrm and while everyone else was playing , i was sitting at the window, staring out at the sky or i would be sitting ard watching other pple haf fun. They din welcomed me, coz i was the first to come in to play.
I wanted to blend in so much.
Event #3
My chinese standard was very good for a kid my age when I was in primary school. Becoz my dad was givin me sec sch chinese work to do when i was in pri sch. So when i slept in chinese class, the teacher nv bothered to wake me up.
I remembered the first time my chinese was recognised was when i was in pri one. I was enrolled in the higher chinese class tt yr.Studying wat the common "higher chinese students" in Singapore were studying in Sec 3.
I recall my essays always submitted to the essay competitions by my teachers. I did not intend to submit. Those essays submitted were all the ones I wrote for exams.
When I started appearing frequently at the prize ceremonies, those pple who worked vv hard for chinese started to dislike me. They refused to tok to me and made things difficult. (making things difficult was easy since I was class monitor and chinese rep for the class)
I started to hate my chinese ability. I pray all the time my teacher won't submit the essays again. She din. It continued all the way till i left the pri sch.
I wanted to blend in so much...
Event #4
PSLE chinese exam. This time it was the chinese invigilator from another school. Becoz my science and maths weren't tt fantastic, I din manage to enter EM1 and of coz not officially enrolled in the higher chinese class though the school did allow me to take it informally. I was allowed to attend the class, but not enrolled officially in the MOE list.<
Throughout the Chinese paper for PSLE, I recall he was standing next to me thru out both my chinese papers.
When I step out, he requested to see me personally.
"I noticed u since ur first paper. Y are u not offered Higher Chinese? I dun understand"
The next thing I noe, the news started spreading and I was scorned further by my peers, and of coz the EM1 pple as well. For an EM2 shld nv b on the same line as them.
I hated my self for being different.
Event #5
Chinese again. I topped my level in sec sch for chinese. And when the O level results came out, i was the only one in class with A1 and distinction for oral.
There was another gal in my class who love competing wif me. Of coz i nv took it as real compeition. But she was vv serious. She worked vv hard but she nv beat me. My worst grade in sec sch for chinese was 79. I remembered i cried my heart out for tt even though I was the highest in class.
Anyway, tt gal got A2 and a merit for distinction. I remembered she burst out crying in class and she started screaming at me hysterically.
"WHY IS SHE NUMBER ONE? WAT DID SHE DO TO DESERVE NUMBER ONE? I WORK SO HARD..SHE DUN DESERVE IT! TT A1 IS MINE! NOT HERS!"
she was crying and shouting at me, rite in front of everyone.
The whole class was staring at me. i was so scared. I wished i was an A2 and she was an A1 at tt time...
After tt incident, I hated being different. If i knew I was going to excel soon, i will back out and let the next best person go up..i dun mind being the next best, as long as pple dun notice me.
It was safe all the way until going to SMU. SMU really rewards pple who stand out. Outstanding pple receive applause and loads of encouragement. I guess tt's wat make us different. I dunno, i started to find enjoyment in pple's applause for my efforts.
SMU make me wanna try everything. Fail? So wat? try again. thisis a vv healthy attitude i learn from being in SMU. beta try and fail than not try anything.
I have stayed too long in the environment where "the stuck out nail gets hammered down". Now, i beta start embracing the SMU environment of "the squeaky wheel gets the grease" :)
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